Fragments of a thought
by si3nna
Summary: Set after Seigaku. Tezuka reflects on certain things. Its rated such due to the brief scene between Ryoma and Tezuka.


**Title:** Fragments of a thought.

**Fandom**: Prince of Tennis

**Pairing**: Tezuka/Ryoma

**Genre**: angst/brief mentions of "smex" scene

**author notes**: the tenses..hmmm...

**Disclaimer**: All rights belong to Konomi Takeshi. :)

Fragments of a thought

Better to treasure now then regret later when it's gone…

The glass has already been broken more then once. But you never realised that, did you?

You bite your lip as you sit on the bed, staring at the empty walls and drawers. Their emptiness only reminds of the painful fact that he's gone.

Was it doomed from the beginning?

You were sixteen when he first confessed. You brushed it off as his admiration for you as his captain. After all weren't you the one who encouraged him to get stronger? Be Seigaku's pillar Echizen! Show me your tennis! When you were eighteen, he confessed again. You didn't realise what he was getting at till you were pressed against the lockers and taken by possessive lips.

You can remember the day, you first took him. The way his hands clutched at your shoulders, the pain as his nails scrapped your back and the sound of your heart pounding. You were careful when you prepared him, before you dug into him and felt him, truly for the first time. It pleased you when he whispered not Bucho but Kunimitsu when he came.

Much to everyone's disappointment and your father's pleasure, you decided not to go pro after high school, instead pursuing studies to be a doctor. He was upset, after all he had gone pro when he was sixteen and was hopeful you would follow suit. He had sulked and been irritated for awhile however was relieved that even if you didn't go pro, you would still play tennis.

Years come and go.

Your parents are still trying to make you get married, oblivious to the fact that you have a lover already. Then again, you couldn't blame them could you? No one but your old friends knew of your relationship with Ryoma.

"Ne, Kuni, when do you think it's the best time to tell our parents about us?" He asks, one time at breakfast, chopsticks paused at his rice.

You can almost hear the unspoken words there. _And the world?_ Despite his cocky grin, his eyes are hesitant and worried as they wait for your response.

"It isn't time yet…and you shouldn't be careless." You reply before sipping your tea.

It was times like this these, you wished had been more observant, at the way his eyes had dimmed and the way his smile faded.

"Don't worry, I won't."

You liked order. You dislike chaos and strive at all times to avoid it.

Ryoma is a famous tennis player. His popularity has soared, due to his wins, cocky nature and rare losses. You were proud of him. However, despite being loved by fans and the media, who knows how he will be ridiculed if he is found to be in a gay relationship? As much as the world has grown, there is still a fear of the unknown. You have seen the effects of homophobia and the discrimination directed at gays. You don't want that to happen to Ryoma.

Sometimes, you wonder with your work hours and his tennis schedule, how did the relationship survive? How was the thread kept from being snapped? So when he's gone off playing tennis, your content with Karupin. When he has the time to visit, your tied down with work. Therefore work seems to take place above all else.

Fuji rings often, informing you of Ryoma's progress, even though his matches have been screening on TV. Since you don't watch television anymore as it's either your too busy or too tired.

"Tezuka…" Fuji is smiling on the phone. "When are you going to visit him?"

You answer as always that work keeps you busy, too busy to allow you opportunities to visit him. Sometimes though, you wish you had freedom like Fuji, being a photographer thus allowed to travel. But then again, being around tournaments makes you regret. Regret that you could be outside, the familiar grip of the racket in your hand and not stuck inside instead, a pen clasped between your fingers.

Sometimes you two keep in contact whenever Ryoma remembers, via either phone or email. And as always he would ask, after the usual enquires of how work is and how is Karupin faring and how his matches are going…

"Ne, Kuni…can I tell the world? When I win against…." His voice trails off.

You sense his desperation and hope at the same time, even through the phone. You think of the scandals it might cause and you remain silent, pausing to clean your glasses.

"Ryoma…Think…" You paused. "Don't get careless now."

The thread begins to unravel…

"Are you ashamed of me?" He asked suddenly one day.

You had looked up, surprised; an eyebrow raised wondering where this had come from. Ryoma was upset, it was obvious by the tense set of his shoulders and the way he kept looking at everything but you. The can of Ponta sits beside him, untouched for once. The sound of the television is forgotten for the moment.

"Why do you ask?" You closed the book and stared.

Ryoma scowls, his golden eyes gone dark with suppressed anger and he replies.  
I-I can't help but think your ashamed of me…Kuni. When ever I ask, you always say it's not the time. Tell me Kunimitsu! When is the time?" His hands are white with tension. "You don't know how painful it is when people ask wherever I had someone special in my life and I always have to deny when I want to tell them yes I been with my lover for 9 years! Tell me Tezuka…what are you waiting for? Parental approval?"

You can almost see your parents' expressions mixed with horror and betrayal. That you being the last of the line; should have found a wife instead of a lover. You can deal with the disgust…but what about Ryoma? And his parents? Although Ryoma had reassured that he could handle them, his mother being more accepting while his father after the initial breakdown of having no sexy daughter-in-law he would approve. Or so Ryoma told you. Like your father, Nanjiroh would want his son to be wedded to a girl. A girl. Not a male. Seeing him with those magazines had proved your point.

Unexpectedly, the words come to your lips. Words, you don't remember thinking.

"I don't know…"

The moment they were uttered, you wished you could take it back. Ryoma's expression changes from anger to hurt. He mutters a terse 'Che' and looks to a side, his hands still rested on his knees. A tense silence follows before he decides to break it with a soft sigh.

"Ne…Kunimitsu...where did I go wrong? Was it wrong of me to confess to you back then?"

You frown, not liking where this is going.

"No," You replied tightly. "It isn't that…Ryoma you're a tennis star."

At that he looks at you, for a moment confused. What's that got to do with anything? The words linger in the air unsaid.

"The world doesn't accept homosexuals or civil unions. Not even Japan is that open," You say calmly, as if you had rehearsed this many times before. "It wouldn't be wise for your career to have the stigma of being gay tagged to it."

Ryoma smiles bitterly.

"So that was the problem then…? You were afraid of me being discriminated? Merely because I was a tennis player?" Ryoma gives off a short bitter laugh.

A tense silence soon follows, only broken by the distant rumblings of the clock and Karupin's soft footsteps.

You rose from the sofa and walked towards him. Kneeling beside him, you reach out to touch his arm. Was it wrong of you to feel concerned for him? His arm stiffens under your hesitant touch before slowly relaxing. Instead of leaning into the touch as you would assume he would, he moves away, his face still turned to the TV.

"Kunimitsu…" His voice is barely a whisper.

He turns and you aren't surprised to see that there are faint tears appearing at the corner of his eyes. You reach up to wipe them, but he suddenly jerks away, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry…b-but I can be alone for a minute?" The words seemed choked out.

You wordlessly stood up, turning the TV off as you passed his chair. Karupin meows questioningly as he paws at Ryoma's knee. Before you exit the room however, you pause and turn, watching Ryoma pick up Kaupin. You hesitate in leaving him alone and wonder is alright to leave him alone?

That night, the glass breaks. Shattering like fragments of fond memories long ago.

You close your eyes, feeling the tears. It wasn't Ryoma who was careless… it was you after all.

And Fuji's last words linger in your mind.

"Tezuka…had you forgotten? Everything in life comes once…you either grab it now or let it slip your fingers…"


End file.
